Jude and Dylan - When the tide falls
Maybe at the hands of Raven also had the skin tissue as vibrato - but Dylan could not know for sure.
and could not know if his fingers would be pushed into the flesh with the same movements that used to press the grass in the paper - the slow slide of long waves on the coast. Balance intact.
Jude seemed to gain a clear picture, however, and seemed to know the light that enveloped his actions with that warm glow. With the density of sleep and smoky shadows.
was strange, being in their midst.
Strange as it may be entering a dream, not yours, get used to the different flow of time and space in the expanding horizons of earth and sky. Diving for the first time in the sea.
Then there was the flame.
The flame that was smoking on the wrists of Raven, and it was honey on the skin. The turn on Language sudden silver and hatching out the lips of Jude, just to the right.
reddened eyes.
Dylan has not yet managed to explain how it is that everything becomes more fluid so , when Raven is in the neighborhood, why not just the time to distill in a more fluid, but also the spaces seem to adhere to the body in a different. As the distances underwater
touch you - the sounds are amplified.
And the heart beats more slowly, without stagnation in ways that electricity constant. A languor alert.
She wanted to, basically.
He felt like that too during the afternoon, when the light of day made it clear Jude's hair and was fun to play to weave between your fingers - keep his reflexes as he slipped and pulled out the CD on the stereo to listen to songs that told him it was a crime not to know.
Raven had not yet arrived, and yet his presence felt from the air as the warm shadows of the evening. Or like a guitar solo when the lights go out.
And then there was the dinner - always amazing feeling to share with both a way of life began some time: to move in a more adult everyday life, finding themselves engulfed in a completely natural. And be carried away by the flow of life, simply. Dissolve the nerves.
want more has always been inevitable - Raven and Jude work as a drug.
"I like to smoke," said Dylan had then, and none had objected.
Because in the end the natural evolution of the evening was planned from the beginning that we would sit in a circle on that rug - Jude with his back pressed against the couch, one knee bent. Raven
cross-legged, bare feet. The jeans fell on the flanks, as always.
And let him there in front of stunned by the silence as if they were waves breathe - as if it were to go adrift everything has always needed. What I want most.
Yet Ash is there, every time.
Each time a clearer - a gem set in the finger or the slight rubbing of the shirt on his back. The instinct to turn around to meet his eyes - because he can see how Raven's lips let slip away like smoke or Jude abandons his head against the armrest of the sofa. As the light melts into air - those with warm colors. That softness.
Stretching his arms, Dylan pressed his cheek on his shoulder.
There is nostalgia, and it is strange, but there is not even afraid. No sense of loss and no distance. Ash
memory is present - the essence that has shaped the body and nourishment of life that moves. The
I see that. What is left to look.
fragile and green eyes, the intoxicating sense of breathing in the lungs. A perfect circle.
"Dee?"
The heart stops even more now, when Jude calls him that way.
Dylan just let slip his eyes from the lips of Raven his neck - then the shoulder, lingering on the white shirt and black hair gathered in a rubber band. Ribbons of smoke in the air.
And then the baggy jeans of Jude - the sleeves rolled up on his forearms. The subtle interweaving of veins on the wrist, and the cylinder of embers that is holding out. The
his mouth.
slowly stretches his arm, brushing her fingers.
It is as if there were in that room - and yet at the same time has never been so conscious of every eye that washes off. Space occupied by your body and what it expands beyond borders no longer perceptible. Than hidden.
It's crazy.
Raven opens his hand on the cushion shape and Dylan felt her fingers spread in the middle of the back - just Jude bend the knee and he felt pressed against his side.
not have turned on the stereo, and maybe it all depends on the silence.
From the depths of which seems to load every breath and the fact that the movements become a continuous rubbing of fabric on fabric.
soft wool and the roughness of denim almost exciting.
There is a tranquility unbroken gestures of Raven - something that makes you almost believe his magic of shaman and that leaves you impressed the strange feeling that his own thought, to shape reality. As if enough want to - imagine.
But it can not be just that.
Raven is not enough, because that sensuality is more like a network - nodes in twisted plots that without the close of Jude would return to dissolve incomplete drawings. Different geometries.
And it's all in smoke, after all.
The smiles that are exchanged without the need both to look the other dozens of times that must have woven the same atmosphere. And the faces of all the guys who have breathed before him - the calm nervousness Raven to support the faint of Jude. The desire to fill any gap between their bodies.
Idly, Dylan is raised on his elbows.
The cylinder of spinel seems to carry the imprint of their fingers and he looks at the blackened paper around the sizzle of the grill before lifting his eyes, firmly. Before sinking into the eyes of Jude, and suck the smoke. Squint eyebrows.
can hear it clearly, the strength.
It's like magnetism - something terrible and mysterious that prevents Jude to break contact and he let it go.
is that Raven is watching them in silence, perhaps. The decision of his black irises.
But Dylan would never have believed it would be so exciting, let ourselves be moved by desires of others. Become a channel between them, the car looks and intentions.
And still find there, present in an essential way. The center of the engine vibration of every action - a mandatory course. The point of arrival, at the same time.
not imagine that it would be possible. How
not think I can get to be so shameless - keep your eyes fixed on those of Jude and exhale the smoke, in the meantime. Wet your lips, tilt the head back. How to offer your throat.
Yet he knew that would happen sooner or later.
She knew even if the afternoons with Jude dissolved into laughter and chatter, even though the kiss they had exchanged no one had ever spoken, and no longer seemed to be no danger zone between them.
At the end of each day came in the evening, though. Raven came.
And it was when his dark-colored shadows that changed everything: the senses are alert, the body becomes aware of every movement.
Prospects tilt angles in the most secret - stolen images.
long silence.
and came sliding a low voltage, just below the surface. A tension filled the air even when the gestures drew everyday scenarios and there seemed to be nothing erotic interactions. Nothing too different from a familiar innocent.
a glance.
Or a word spoken softly, brushing against the shoulder distracted. The embarrassment and fear and excitement, soon after.
crazy like a carousel.
Now it seems that Dylan somehow had unexpectedly accurate, the image he had made at the beginning: it is true that Raven has always been to move the rudder of the boat, it is also clear that the tide was at it sail toward some destination.
And the tide if he feels like something that mounts inside, it grows. A relentless press of blood in the veins - the excitement. In the temples.
not have a specific plan in mind when instead of passing the spinel Raven decides to take another breath, and hold the smoke in the lungs.
He bent his legs to his chest, in the meantime - he tilted his head forward. He's watching.
It's slanted eyes seem set in their black, still does not know what Dylan are doing - they seem to call actions and render the mind as a light wind. Blown away.
It is as if the air became thinner, while the distance is reduced. The right knee pressing on
carpet, and then a hand.
The other knee.
For some unknown reason always thought that walking on all fours was terribly erotic, Dylan. But the idea is to trap the body between the legs of Raven that forced him to wet her lips again - the perception of his jeans rubbing hips. His steadfast gaze.
And the eyes of Jude - the edge of the field. Pulse crazy flying in your ears.
not even need to tilt her head when she finally puts her hands on the chest of Raven. He was waiting for him, and his lips already parted. The tail hair already slipped on the shoulder. He knew everything. Even
what Dylan is still not dared to think - that the heart suddenly stops and then push it in a blink slower. Dilute breath. From
so close his eyes are almost hypnotic, and are perfectly distinguishable muscles of the chest under the palms of your hands. The relief of the nipples.
Exhale the smoke from his lips as you close your eyes, after - hold a share as part of a game. Or the most exciting secrets.
But Jude is there.
Just to the right - even a meter away or unconsciousness. Just a quick move of the knees on the carpet, the black outline in green. Green gray.
And it is much easier with him. Leaning to blow
smoke between his lips and caress the edge of his tongue - breathe his breath. Wait.
And everything is different, too. Why
Jude has turned a blind eye, meanwhile, and his breathing is accelerated. Her cheeks flushed.
And Raven is not the look of the edges and is not fire - it looks pretty slow to overflow of a force that pushes you and touch you. Anything too physical just to slip on the surface of the skin without going deeper. And dissolve in it.
Dylan shudders, fitting a knee between the legs of Jude. Looking
swallow.
is he starting kissing, gently biting the chin of the other to go back immediately to spingervisi in with his mouth and slowly sinking. Pats measured.
still must be the flu Raven, to slow down everything, because the sensations of hunger is a force that presses on the nerves but softens and melts as soon as the pulse takes the form of gestures. And it is almost unbearable - a wreck calm.
float in the air. The right hand goes
unhurriedly along the leg while Jude and Dylan felt her muscles quivering think it is even fun to remember how everything has started: the misunderstanding with Raven, during that first pizzeria in the evening - the embarrassment and disappointment .
The inability to imagine himself into the dynamics of gender.
Now it seems that every track has become a universe suddenly incomplete, however, as if to regain its image necessarily serve multiple mirrors. As if it were a physical need to feel cornered - losing each coordinate note to find out different.
Stretch the other arm.
Raven is already close and sink her fingers into her hair engaging the elastic between them. Pulling away.
for a moment and contrast that to push your heart in your throat - the softness of the black waves in one hand and the importance of hard sex Jude.
Sea and rock.
But it is only a breath, then water floods everything. Why just tilt
the head of a mouth and nothing takes control of Raven - Raven, with the balance of fluid movements. With the slow sinking of the hypnotic and mysterious power to grant its rhythms also the flow of blood.
Dylan feels fade.
is almost certain that he clung to his shirt, he had abandoned his back on his chest. It is quite certain that it was the touch of her hair to thicken the chills on my neck and recognizes the pleasure of Jude by the slow rubbing his erection under his palm.
But could not say to whom they belong to describe these circles sinuous fingers, the neck, and can no longer distinguish the language from that of the Raven. It has no clear even which side of the room is the couch. Where the ceiling.
is stunned.
For this reason conscience struggling to find herself, later, when suddenly appear to be alone at the hands of the wool carpet. Around the body just yet.
Dylan remains motionless, without understanding.
He vaguely registered the movement of lips to the jaw, the low whisper of Raven Jude's ear. The press something on his chest, too.
Maybe.
blinked.
Jude stood up, however, and the carpet the other is staring in disbelief.
"What the fuck," Raven is saying, his hair still caught between his lips. The neck of his shirt half unbuttoned - the palm pointed at the ground.
is almost frightening, the feeling of detachment.
Dylan seems only able to process this thought while moving his eyes from Raven Jude - as he sees it press the fingers on his temples and muttering something that feels like a "Sorry ..." - something confused. Just a breath, perhaps.
back to look down.
"What's the matter?"
Raven has sharp eyes - he feels the anxiety in the stomach rise even without knowing exactly what to attribute it. But Jude repeated again - even more softly, "I'm sorry. I can not ... "
And at that moment that connects the mind at once - like waking with a start in the middle of the night. A sudden dizziness, a dense acute.
The heart stops.
And the memories are crowded in the mind in a chaotic stampede, after - the taste of marijuana on the body language and the robustness against the back of Raven, the rubbing of the lips.
him that now he almost can not believe I really did - that feels blush to the roots of hair and is quick to plant his eyes down, still on the table. Sink your teeth into the lip. Would
evaporate.
Or maybe just go back to lock in his room, never to be released. Burrow under the covers as he did as a child and never see anyone in the world. Hide. Yet there still remains
Raven even while standing up, while Jude is quick to disappear in the next room and the other accelerates the pace to find stuck by a locked door. Even when the silence is absolute, even painful embarrassment.
And the sensation is like being completely naked in the middle of the room. With all the world's eyes focused on him.
holds his breath.
knows that something terrible will happen now - something like the sound of flying footsteps on the floor, for example, or the body that bends Raven next door. His voice slips in the ears, very close.
The feel of his breath on her hair.
"Hey. Are you okay? "
He nods quickly, straightening his back.
"I go home," he announces.
It really is not at all certain that the entry and exit is not sure either really wanted to leave: for a moment, the foolish hope is that Raven grabbed his arm and an assurance that all is well - it embraces, and ask to stay.
holding it with him all night.
"I'll walk," however, is the answer, and he did not even have the courage to protest.
It just quickly gather his things, though - putting on his jacket. Throwing a last glance at the door behind which Jude has disappeared and then hid the room - furniture, books, and the warm light of the lamp. And all the prints on the walls, later, trying to memorize them one by one. As if they never had them more.
not clear what happened - the embarrassment hard to fade even when they take to the streets and the fresh air of the night the body finally free from any trace of excitement.
perhaps even dares to climb the winding staircase of the possibilities if there was a sense of emptiness to push in the throat - that hint of loss that is not subsiding.
And recalling the nostalgia of his brother never died down, too. That wakes the silence.
Sitting in the seat next to Raven, Dylan keeps his eyes carefully anchored out of your car to not be forced to watch his hands tight on the steering wheel, or absorbed the profile of his lips. Or the nerve of the jaw tends under the skin - the most deadly. That you will not forget too easily, later.
They did not say a word, since I got into the car.
And it's hard not to wonder what thoughts affollino his mind - perhaps hard to avoid the only plausible answer and discover all of a sudden entirely unrelated to balance that always belong to them only two. Jude and Raven.
Believe to be part of their universe was ridiculous naive - to believe as we had believed him, hear him. Into the blood.
for some reason always returns the image of Chris, in such moments.
Perhaps because it is a life that any error carries his comments ironic, or perhaps because they were invariably then caresses. The evenings curled up on his couch - his hands through his hair. The thought of retirement is a return to the abyss instead.
Those shadows el'accostarsi wheel of the step platform.
The engine turns off.
Silence.
"Sorry," Raven murmured at last, and Dylan finds startling against his will. The force was trying to tell him something, or to be able to sketch at least a greeting. Goodnight or just see you .
feel his hand through his hair instead.
shudders.
"I do not know what got Jude - I have no idea. It's a bit 'of days which is strange, but I did not think ... I thought he was just nervous. It is not very good at managing change ..."
is a fortune at the bottom , which runs out so that touch: moving away from a lock eyes to discover the face - leaving just a little 'more helpless. Nothing that can not be remedied by lowering the gaze, after all.
Taking a long, long breath.
"Do not worry. I'm fine, "assures, forcing a smile. Instinctively his fingers tightening on the handle of the door.
"Sure?"
Dylan crashes.
is a feeling of siege, that car - the last time I sat in there Raven was kissing him, the world was melting. And no one had beaten in the face by having to manage changes Jude - Raven did not have to worry about the mood of kids idiots instead of taking care of one person who would be entitled. The only person I would want to be right now - definitely. Without the weight of other problems on him.
"Yes, I'm sure," he says then, imposing itself to raise its head. Looking at him straight in the eye, firmly.
"Really, Raven, nothing happened. Do not worry, "he repeats, and feels that if you stay inside that car one more minute could burst into tears. Or do something equally stupid.
hastens to open the door, then - slips out.
"Go slow. Okay? "She says later, smiling, leaning in through the open window.
Raven has just furrowed his eyebrows - very dark eyes. The
are watching. And Dylan
biting the inside lip because he wanted to say goodnight . Tell him I'll see . The only
say goodbye , however, and there are no words that can not melt in your voice. Even if all that is left. How
silence when the tide falls.
The feeling is to breathe vacuum. Inside the bathroom mirror
plunged into the dark and the air was cold, just from the rippling current of the open window - but as the noises from outside penetrated through a filter. Muffled.
In the other room the voices of Raven and Dylan sounded low, confused, impossible to understand what they were saying. Jude had studied the creases on the forehead of his own reflection, while waiting for the return blood to flow at a rate rational - had looked at the confusion of the hair and it was like seeing you scroll through the hands of Dylan, still. Raven's hands.
Then came the sound of the door, closed with a thud dry, and he had seen the eyes of the flare just crumble. The heart beats increase, frightened, and relief under the skin as melt from the nerves conduct electricity. A contrast that was a thrill, and the clear perception that nothing of what was happening could find some sense. Not even looking for him.
When he was returned to the room, the lamp spreading light still the same warm and welcoming which he had painted the night and seemed more absurd than the particular. Inconsistent and cruel, too, a detached cruelty. Impartial. Jude had
off without thinking too much, agreeing with a deep sense of defeat the advancing darkness.
When the eyes had become accustomed to the night just enough to recognize the outlines of the room, had to walk slowly through the carpet on which he had almost succumbed to the temptation of not feeling good and went to open the window.
The smell of smoke still permeated the air and it was a satisfaction to feel distracted fade moment by moment. Gradually. Taking away even the memory of Dylan too distinct lips, lips Raven, and dissolving any remaining cold with excitement. After
was not nothing left.
not the usual distance from wall to wall - not the proportions of every day, all night, spending years to cover the walls of faces and eyes - not even the certainty of having done the right thing. Or the wrong one.
Only the static sense of expectation.
And the knowledge that should be no confusion, back then, but that the chaos has a way of life intolerable to fill the void.
Sitting in the center of the chair of all time, with the knees extended up to press against the arms and neck sunk in the pillow, Jude keeps his eyes fixed on the clock on the wall and waits.
Think about Raven and Dylan closed car, maybe the words are flowing between them. The residual stress of his abrupt exit and the resulting confusion - the concern, maybe. The sense of guilt and irritation.
would like to escape to this land primed for a future that calm, serene. Forget having to live before I am about to follow up and close our eyes not to look at the pictures. Raven is impossible to avoid when his face stares from every angle - Jude had never noticed before because it was overwhelming, his presence. Than it was constant, continuous and precious.
The fact that there is even a picture of Dylan is almost a joke, from that point of view. As if the surface of his life had not yet had time to record it, when in fact the deepest core has already been subverted by his presence. Since his arrival.
And something inside it is already suffering the farewell.
running his hands over his face, Jude closes tight fists - they pressed against his eyes. Each tick of the clock is the mark of a hypnotic slow and could not say what he is trying to achieve - whether it will require a meditation at some point during the evening, or if you just take your breath and speak. Let flow the words that are stuck in the throat for too long - from the afternoon of that kiss, maybe. Or perhaps before.
Maybe ten years looking for a way to give them a voice and it was just silly to pretend that something would work - Raven knew that slow down the pace to let him meet them, who stopped long enough to focus and shoot. Or just longer.
to get some 'breathing.
Out on the road, the traffic is calm.
cars come and go sporadically - rumble of engines that fade away and leave ample room for silence and darkness.
half-closed eyelids can see the light of the moon cut out spaces on the floor and thinks that at another time would perhaps have liked to photograph them. Now, even seems to look hard. Too
difficult.
He never thought to be particularly tuned to the realities of the people - it tends to work with their shadows, to see what they say and feel rather than on the faces in his voice. To distinguish the essence of its form in the air from the space they occupy.
For Raven has always been that way at the bottom. His body is the essential means of transmission.
wonder why now warn the skin, his presence, just beyond the boundaries of the room.
did not hear the car to get there - he has not heard it stop. Nothing close to doors or footsteps on the stairs - even the sound of breathing. But
can almost see him, mate, nascosto dal legno pesante della porta: una mano ferma sulla maniglia, l'altro pugno stretto intorno alle chiavi. La mascella serrata per contenere la tensione e gli occhi chiusi come per concentrarsi.
L'alzarsi e l’abbassarsi del petto, sotto la stoffa della camicia.
Il corpo rigido. Contratto. Vibrante di energia trattenuta a stento.
È un nuovo brivido – sollievo e panico – quando infine lo scattare della serratura annuncia il suo ingresso.
Bagnandosi le labbra, Jude si impone di restare fermo – non voltarsi, non piegarsi in avanti, come se qualunque movimento potesse sbilanciare l'equilibrio troppo precario che ha tenuto in piedi quella serata fino ad adesso.
Ascoltando i suoi steps on the floor - clink of metal against metal and dull thud of metal on wood when laying the keys on the table - try to imagine his expression. Is waiting to see if a move, or whether only an internal battle that has still not allowed to say a word.
When the silence continues, however, and his companion remained motionless by the table, left with no other choice but to start him in conversation.
"Have you brought home?" demand for dry throat feeling as if they were not talking days.
"What did you want me to do?" is the answer, abrupt. "Dylan has enough trouble these days. It is not necessary to add nervous breakdown Free. "
Prosecutors vibrate in his voice, and it is impossible to misunderstand - Jude thinks that maybe he should resent the hostility evident, but when they are only ever takes a breath and panic relief to invade the lungs. Tighten and relax the nerves. Why
remembers all too well the words of Dylan when he pushed back - her face flushed and her lips were moist and bright black pupils dilated. Excitement had given way to confusion and then fear, when he was pulled up in a hurry.
probably is a sign of what is abstracted from the present moment, the fact that I can not even feel guilty. Not really.
Throwing back his head to leave go a sigh.
You press your fingers on his temples, trying to regain control.
"You okay?" asks the meantime, while on the floor in the footsteps of Raven begin to mark a rhythm, slow, and her body closer. "You told him that it was not for him?"
"I told him that was not his fault. And I had no idea what the fuck you got it."
Jude nods without looking back and move your hands so your palms rub your eyes.
Now that the time has come all the words to over the past days - the explanations and excuses, and pleas for help - they seem to evaporate in the tension of silence.
Raven is a presence property a few feet away - the same lump of contracted energy - and he feels upon his disapproval as a weight was impossible to sustain. She feels her eyes and sees the taut line of his lips - the impassive expression when it wants to control anger - and find a way to start.
Explain.
It is to let go a laugh shaking instead. A drop her hands on her arms, muttering helplessly: "I do not even know me."
"Shit." In a moment
Raven has abandoned its impassive stillness to cover the distance that still separated them and sit on the edge of the sofa - the back bent forward, his elbows on his knees down. Staring into her from below - a mixture of concern and impatience. Frustration.
"You can not uscirtene with bullshit like that, Jude. Not now. Not after that ..." He shakes his head incredulously. "You ran away . Have you in the lurch without a reason, without which nothing had happened, and ..."
"I was scared," she interrupted him. "I would have to implement it soon, but I did not think, and when I realized it was too late to draw back slowly. Smartly."
"Elegantly? What the fuck got to do elegance, Jude, and what the fuck does 'afraid'? I was eighteen, when did you stop to use that excuse!"
"It is not a excuse. "
Look away, Jude stands up.
has never been easier to talk to Raven about certain things - the words become entangled and it is like trying to explain the wind: you can not say that sometimes even just walking to the his side gives the same effect as running and that is embarrassing looking back at him to find his breath just a bit 'speeded up. Studying the living expression of his eye - the location of one drop of sweat from his forehead to the neck - and know that enthusiasm is just what moves it, when exhaustion is behind your actions. Need to keep up and nothing else.
At seventeen he tried to make him understand. But every concern Raven was confused with another, and merely shook her shoulders to reassure him - let him back, to go and drag away some other friends.
When Jude has finally given up waiting for his return only decided to follow him, though - to imitate him - he did not believe, however, that would be succeeded. And when there is successful, then he forgot the rest.
It took ten years, and Dylan, to give him the uncomfortable feeling of star running out of time.
"Listen," he says, bypassing the chair nervously. "I do not ... I mean, what did you think would happen tonight? Sex, all three together? And then tomorrow morning what, breakfast?"
"It would not be the first time. "Annoyed, Raven squints." Christ, Jude, but you've got? Just you have problems with this now? "
" It is not the same thing, "he replies, exasperated." We've never done anything like this. Never. Dylan is ... Are you already half in love, Raven. And he is of you. "
" And you, "is pointing this out." And you with him. And I really can not see the problem in all this. "
" The problem is that in reality these things do not work. Do not last. ... We would not only casino, and Dylan already has a pretty messed up his life, and you're already more than enough to complicate the lives of anyone come into your orbit without adding too ... "
" So what, you've decided to complicate it all before you even start was the best way to simplify it? "Raven interrupts him, spreading his arms - but he knows him too well not to tell a change of tone in his voice.
beginning, there was irritation, concern and confusion to something difficult to understand.
Now the irritation is becoming annoying - the trouble Raven always flaunts his lowest against any weakness - and the concern is following the usual trend in anger.
would be almost funny, to recognize a reaction mirrored in their nerves - for that is since you know, he and Raven, that all disputes arise from nowhere and feed on their own arrows. It would be funny were not so clear size too real of that discussion. The feeling that, left to itself, that fire could spread to all. Devour them as well.
Taking a deep breath, look at Jude himself a quiet corner of refuge to regain control. Let go of the air, murmuring: "Raven ..."
The other is already fired up, though, and is already advancing towards him.
"Then what the fuck would mean that I am already more than good enough to complicate things for me, eh? Dylan should be protected?" asks, irritated, and he finds himself with a challenge to look at him, every good intention already filed.
"Why do you think it's a walk to be with you? Start to own, I mean, not only end up in your bed every now and then."
Raven does not respond, merely to support his eye - and that is what Jude has always hated more, his ability to carry on a discussion remaining impassive. They are the only time really stands still - bright eyes, black stone, and sharpened in the rock face - to give the impression of being able to withstand anything. Not to hear anything.
The temptation is to succeed every time to crumble. Tap on the surface to turn it into an earthquake.
"You think it's easy to follow?" continues, moving a step forward. "How simple it was in these years? Do you think that our history being in the least stable? I mean, it's a life that we carry out this fast and loose and we have not yet decided to make a commitment!"
front of him, Raven just raises her chin and blows air out in a sarcastic snort.
"is a plural of politeness, what, why not say clearly that I was the one not taken, the effort, as is clearly there that want to get there?"
"Why is not your fault," admits Jude, looking away. "I I never asked to do so, anyway. Or we would have had this discussion long ago. "
And for a moment you take the time to imagine such things could have been if he had addressed the issue when for the first time he has felt the need. When everything was still confused , any law to write and test, or immediately after, when some had already begun to take stock. When there were few that were broken and rebuilt - after the death of Mark, in the long months passed without Raven is not even deign to call . O on his return, when he had too much need to feel him close to bring up past issues - ask for some explanation.
would not be here now, that's for sure. There would be Dylan - or in one form or another - and probably there would not even them. It is almost a certainty.
but has not yet finished that thought to metabolize the hands of Raven pressing on his shoulders, pushing it back until it hit the couch with his back.
is not a violent act - this is not an attack - and probably if Jude had been focused on what the company was doing would have been able to avoid it, but for a moment the surprise is so strong that she can hardly read the expression on his face.
"Do you know the thing that makes me most angry about all this talk, Jude?" feels murmur, too close. "Not so much because you're pulling out some bullshit because as usual you do under the idea of being able to go a few steps from your path. Nor is the fact that you decided that you can not work or that you are dealing the thing as if the problem were my fucking instead of this. No. " Shaking his head, increases the pressure on his shoulders - looks at him incredulously. "What really seems to me crazy is that we are here. Now. To do the Albert and Mike's situation, when I thought that this was the only thing ever that we were both quite keen to avoid."
eyes fixed on her, Jude swallows.
"Al and Mike have nothing to do in all this, Raven. "
" They do not go? "The other laughed, letting go." Jude, spent ten years to tell bales to cling to something that stood only for the wrong reasons! And you come and tell me now that I have not ever made no commitment but the fault is yours because you never asked to do so? What the hell has happened to the policy of 'bring out the problems before they become too big'? When did we started to tell us crap, too? Pretend nothing happened? Mind? "
And he thinks it could indicate certain occasions when thousands of small differences seemed too stupid to make a national case - which could speak to Keith, for example, or of all persons who have income and expenditure of their lives, leaving behind only a framed photograph. It could be said of Mark. Of absolute helplessness and emptiness.
says only: "I've never lied" instead. It is hardly surprising really when the other, still laughing, he leaves a step saying: "Jude. It was just the other night that I asked you if there was any problem and you said no, everything was fine." Why
right, for that matter, and Jude knew even then, as he shook his head, pressing her cheek into the pillow. As if he knew that Raven had been able to read what was inside, the detail that would hurt - not the kiss exchanged with Dylan nor the desire to touch it. Even the confused feelings that it gave him with Raven or imagine that it happened to accommodate - not even the fear of groped. The terror that will work, or may fail. But what
.
Swallow the words as if the trust were not enough to ensure a solution. Taking advantage of the usual discretion - the emphasis with which Raven has always supported freedom of choice - to hide something that would be his right to know from the outset.
can not even use their confusion as an excuse, because that is the more fundamental problem: that at some point in their path, a few corners that he did not noted, Raven has ceased to be a support to get complicated. It stopped being someone who can help unravel the threads to become the one who weaves the threads. It confuses them. It tears them without warning. It is a betrayal
deeper than a simple adventure, this, and it is also difficult to understand which of them has been, to defect first. Why the Raven left alone, perhaps, pulling straight on his way without looking back, but he never yelled for him to know that it was following. It is the fault of both, basically, and a conclusion is almost harmonic taking into account the fact that since we all know is acting. But do not make it any less hard hit.
The knowledge that the damage was done.
"Raven ..." Jude began, uncertain, but the other interrupts him with a nervous gesture.
"The funny thing is that you speak as if you were the poster of the exclusive relationship, then just when you look someone in the eye to make you forget all the good intentions. I mean, at least if I do not think it is appropriate to do something with someone I can not do it . "
The look she throws at that point, it has the tinge of bitter amusement that Jude recalled from their adolescent days, when it seemed that his friend was also an experience to feel bad experience.
"Really, you're just like Albert that forced Mike to become an adulterer because he was convinced it was the best way to live a healthy relationship when he is at first sex that's hard. "
And there is much to focus, to understand why continue to beat up the key: Albert and Mike have always been a model for them, the paradigm of something to avoid. They measured the strength of their bond on the grid created by the report immediately, and was browsing those balances that have learned to stay afloat. A talk.
Jude remembers all too well the frustration of Mike, in those days: the force with which his hands touched him seemed to respond to those mechanisms - other than being an expression of discomfort, opportunity to vent. It was strange.
And Raven looked at them with eyes in disbelief of those who can not understand how some stories can get stuck in such misunderstandings - is a still image fixed in the memory of his back pressed against the wall, and Mike in the house screaming for something that did not represent the real problem and Albert pretended to listen when in fact he did not understand. There was the light that fell from above, filtering through the clouds as if it were a miracle, and he smoked with short puffs - cigarette consumed quickly, between nervous fingers. In certain circumstances
Jude never knew if they were stronger concern or desire, while measuring the distance between their bodies and minutes that were missing before you rush out Mike. But when Raven had overthrown his head against the wall, wailing "will never learn to speak ?" had been unable to restrain himself and had filed to kiss his mouth, laughing, fingers closed around his wrist to catch the cigarette.
"It's not so easy," he murmured, taking his mouth. Raven nodded, wearily.
And from that day had begun to face things head-on with each other.
"Albert has made up his mind to Mike a lot of crap," is to say, now, slowly, knowing full well that this is not the issue. "I've never had to do a shit instead."
Raven's face, the smile is sharp and provocative.
"No, of course. I'm the one who gives orders, either."
"God, Raven!" protest him, exasperated. "Do not put words in my mouth that I did not say."
"Tell me one thing: if neither of them has ever made any commitment, it would have held together all this time, do you?" replies the other. "It's not a matter of convenience because you said the same: to bring forward this story is a struggle. What then? Any contract that had escaped me? We must do together tot photos and then everyone on his way, both the responsibility we have nothing to do or is it just the sex that works particularly well? A set of two things, perhaps? "
" We do not try to shift the blame only on me! "exclaims Jude, advancing a step.
once seemed funny that even during the worst quarrel he and Raven were not able to stay off the 'each other. At eighteen we often reflected, after every fight ended in bed, pressing her cheek on the shoulder of Raven and closed his eyes under his languid caresses, thinking it would be a sign that too. As a law regulating the physical attraction.
Now the excitement of the battle is soon tempered by the perception of the beauty of the other: Can not stop to contemplate when you're running at his side, faster than I would give my breath.
"I never said that our history does not make sense, but you did not even have thought the opposite," he continues, looking into his eyes. The other
snorts in disbelief.
"I thought that some things are more important than usual promises."
"Some things, what? Type actions, the facts?" He lifts his head, unconvinced. "Why are talking about facts, I remember feeling very honored when instead of coming to ask me a hand you disappeared off the face of the earth without even a greeting."
And maybe if Raven was a little 'less close - if the air was a bit' less tense, the light a bit 'warmer - Jude would notice him immediately crumble of his eyes.
perceive the frost, and take breath, and being immediately aware of what the land is desecrated. But the blood in his temples beating faster than usual, more than in love, and eyes are too bright. The distorted perspective.
"You let go six months without even bothering to let me know you were alive!" continues, his voice even higher. "Six months, Raven ... And then we talk about trust?"
Silence, then, turn around words like gauze resting on a scratch.
front of him, Raven is still, but the fixity of the face is different from that which usually accepts its challenges.
Softer, maybe. Or maybe just more tired.
A mask worn anything else because it costs too much effort.
"Sorry," murmured Jude. And the other looks away.
moves a step backwards.
For a moment, the succession of bewilderment and complicity that was the story of that night appears to stabilize a sense of community in Acute Comrade Jude looks around - mechanical gestures - and knows even before approaching the door, which stands for leave.
Escape at that moment as if it could be used to escape.
What paralyzes him, however, is entirely new awareness of his own helplessness: Since you know, Jude did not Raven never had any doubt that, even in the worst moments, it still remained to listen. Could urlarsi him but if one changed the tone of voice the other is targeted accordingly, spontaneously.
Now Raven is not sure how to react if he reached out to stop its release - not sure which would be enough to mention. Ask him to stop for a moment. Do not go.
not sure even that would stop him best.
"Raven ..." he murmurs, taking a step forward by instinct, but the other did not even once while he paints a peremptory gesture.
"Forget it, better that we close the discussion," he says.
"I did not pull out that story."
"Dormiamoci above, will you?" Raven continues, without listening.
has already opened the door, moved a step beyond the threshold. And even if the voice is the same as always - just as harsh, perhaps, less hot water - has not stopped him away. It keeps your back straight - too tight - and gestures than usual.
All enclosed in that distance can escape his attention.
"Okay," says Jude, however, because there is more to say.
only push the hands towards the bottom of the pockets, as the door closes on an output that seems too final to silence any concerns. Just take a breath and close my eyes, not see photos that look from the walls.
And then give back to the door, in turn - to turn your back to the keys that Raven has left on the table, the ashtray that Dylan had leaned on the couch. Back to the other side of the room where the light of the moon has now almost reached the chair. And let yourself go on the pillows, like every other night.
light a cigarette.
And eat the night, slowly. Mouthful after mouthful.
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